As you probably know, Roman and I attend a play group at the YMCA every morning. Well recently they had an early childhood behavioural consultant put on a workshop while we were there. I didn't get a chance to sit down and listen to everything the woman had to say, since Roman is too busy for that, but I did get a chance to catch a few interesting bits, and I wanted to share the knowledge with you!
The behaviour you respond to the most is what you will get the most of. I'm sure we're all guilty of this, I know I am. It's so easy to get into the habit of focusing more on what our kids are doing wrong and less on what they are doing right. I find it's so much more obvious when Roman is doing something wrong (ie. throwing things) that I have to really make an effort to catch him doing something right. Sometimes I'm enjoying the silence or break so much that I forget that Roman needs to be told he's doing something right. Mental note to me, catch him being good!
Initiate play time at least once a day. Everyone knows that kids will sometimes act out to get their parents' attention. According to this consultant, initiating play with your child at least once each day will let them know that you will pay attention to them and this will reduce the amount of attention seeking behaviour. I don't know if Roman does this just yet, but I have caught him doing things he knows he shouldn't while looking right at me so maybe he does. I try to initiate play with Roman throughout the day but I know it can be easy, especially with older kids, to just tell them to go play.
Teach kids what "calm" is while they are calm. This was definitely an "ah ha!" moment for me in the workshop. Clearly telling Roman to calm down isn't going to work unless he knows what it means. Yet I find myself doing it several times a day. This relates back to the first point about catching them being good. The consultant suggested catching your child in a calm state and then praising them for being calm so they understand what calm means.
Tantrums should be ignored. Tantrums have been one of my biggest struggles with Roman as of late. I never know if I should attempt to reason with him (HA!) or ignore him. Well apparently I'm supposed to be ignoring him. The catch is that you have to stay in the vicinity of your child during the tantrum. When the tantrum stops then you can turn your attention back to the child. Now if your kid is like Roman, they will flip out as soon as you look at them. If this happens, simply go back to ignoring and repeat until the tantrum is over. Might I suggest a calming phrase like "goose-fra-ba" while your child is screaming and maybe a shot of vodka after to calm your nerves? Just kidding....well, maybe a little. **UPDATE - this works like a charm! Roman melts down for at the most 2 minutes and then it's over. Thank heavens!!!
Saying sorry immediately doesn't teach empathy. Luckily I don't have to get Roman to say sorry too often (yet anyway) and when I do it's usually to the dogs, but it never occurred to me that I should be teaching him empathy. Am I completely clueless in thinking that that kind of thing was instinctual? The consultant suggested taking a moment later on after the incident to talk about what happened and how they feel. This would obviously work better for the older kids, and since Roman isn't really at that level yet I think we'll stick with the immediate sorry for the time being.
Use humor to dissolve an argument. I found this point extremely interesting! How many times a day do you say "no" to your kids because they want something that they can't have? I know Roman and I have this "discussion" a few times a day. The consultant suggested using humor to diminish the tantrum that tends to follow. Instead of saying "no, you can't have another granola bar" you would say "wouldn't it be crazy if you had all the granola bars in the world and you could eat them all!". Then when the conversation continues about how you would eat all the granola bars in the world the child has forgotten about wanting the granola bar. Now I think this sounds good in theory, and I look forward to being able to try it when Roman is older, but I have a feeling that having a conversation about granola bars isn't going to make kids forget about granola bars. Maybe I'm completely off base, but I would love to hear from those of you with older kids if this actually works!
I thought this workshop was super interesting and incredibly helpful, and the fact that it was during play group was even better because Roman got to run around like a wild man while I got some helpful tips! It's also nice to hear that other parents are having the same struggles as you and that your kid isn't a bad seed!
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